


we tried the world (good god, it wasn't for us)

by aletterinthenameofsanity



Series: when it feels like the world's gone mad (dark stories) [6]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Arthur, Asexual Character, Asexual Merlin, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Character Study, Coming of Age, Cuddling & Snuggling, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Acephobia, Internalized Misogyny, Introspection, Kissing, Lesbian Character, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Personal Growth, Slurs, and Arthur's journey to overturning both, character development bitches, toxic masculinity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-20 20:58:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16563020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity
Summary: Every child is told some kind of bedtime story. Whether they be fairytales or warnings of holy hellfire or a soft lullaby, all kids have their parents’ fears and hopes and dreams handed to them as they are tucked into bed.Arthur’s parents told him stories in which a prince rescued a princess, a knight rescued a maiden, a wizard rescues-Arthur learned at a young age that the boy has to be a prince, a hero, a rescuer of the innocent. He has to be strong, or the devil will drag him down. He has to be a protective father, a faithful husband, a man driven in life and work and bed.The moral of his childhood fairytales was clear: You cannot be weak. You cannot be hurt.Men cannot be hurt that way. Cops cannot be hurt that way.(You cannot be that way.)-Arthur has known his entire life what it’s like to hurt because you’re holding a secret to your chest, clutching it so close that it burns a hole in your heart, sears scars across your soul.Merlin makes him feel like he doesn’t have to hold the secret so close. Around Merlin and their friends, kisses don't feel like weights strapped around his neck.





	we tried the world (good god, it wasn't for us)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Jackie and Wilson" by Hozier.
> 
> So this was pretty hard to write in some places as I am asexual myself and Arthur's thought processes in childhood/adolescence are rather toxic and hard to work through. However, he does grow as a person and work through his problems, so this is one of the more fulfilling stories I have written.

_"I try, I try to be a good kid_

_A good kid, a_ _good son_

_But no one ever will take my side_

_All I ever do is take the fall_

_I swear, I swear that I'm a good kid_

_Guess I'm good for nothing at all..."_

 

 _-The Lightning Thief Musical,_  Good Kid

 

Every child is told some kind of bedtime story. Whether they be fairytales or warnings of holy hellfire or a soft lullaby, all kids have their parents’ fears and hopes and dreams handed to them as they are tucked into bed.

Arthur’s parents told him stories in which a prince rescued a princess, a knight rescued a maiden, a wizard rescues-

Arthur learned at a young age that the boy has to be a prince, a hero, a rescuer of the innocent. He has to be strong, or the devil will drag him down. He has to be a protective father, a faithful husband, a man driven in life and work and bed.

The moral of his childhood fairytales was clear: You cannot be weak. You cannot be hurt.

Men cannot be hurt that way. Cops cannot be hurt that way.

(You cannot _be_ that way.)

-

God has never been kind to boys like Arthur Uther Pendragon.

(Because Father is God, and God is the Heavenly Father, and Arthur aches for a world that will let him be and love and exist how he wants to-

But his father says that's not what boys do. So Arthur doesn't.

And that's that.)

-

Arthur's little brother is born when he’s ten years old, and it only takes him a week to swear that he'll do whatever it takes to keep Mordred safe.

He has to be strong, has to set a good example for the boy. He has to be the Man that his parents want him to be, the man that the world expects of Pendragon.

Arthur has to bite back anything that isn’t strong or manly, has to be everything he isn't sure he can be, just for the sake of this little bundle of flesh that he can't help but love. Mordred is his little brother, and Arthur is already dead set on being the best older brother he can possibly be.

-

The number of nights Arthur spends curled under the covers, arms crossed over his legs, fingernails digging into his shins, he can no longer count. His dreams- he cannot call them nightmares, no matter how much he wants to, because they make him feel so good- are nothing like what his parents say he should want.

He knows what will happen if he speaks out loud the thoughts in his head.

Liking men is unnatural. _Not_ liking women is unnatural.

His father has mentioned things that dwell in the world of nightmares, monsters like _conversion camps_ and  _electroshock therapy._

(His father has sneered about Will Caerlon down the street, about how he would kick a kid like that out of his house the moment he said he “liked” boys.

Father had turned to Arthur and said, a smile of shark teeth lining his lips, “Good thing you're nothing like that fag, kid.”)

Arthur hates himself, but he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to be made something new, have his insides cut out and have someone else put they want inside of him. He doesn’t want drugs and therapy and all the things that carve out the life from people’s eyes.

He just wants to be happy. Is that too much to ask?

-

Arthur looks into mirrors and sees nothing but pollution in his own dark blue eyes, sees stink and decay in his own reflection.

(He hates himself, hates that he cannot react like boys are supposed to, hates every part of him that makes him broken instead of the man he's supposed to be.)

-

Arthur carries the weight of his father's name, of all the Uther Pendragons that have lived before him. The pressure to be like them sits in his spine, on his shoulders- he is Atlas trying to hold up the weight of a world he cannot fit in. He wants to sing show tunes, doesn’t want to have sex, wants to bake, doesn’t want to date girls. He is nothing like his father, or his grandfather, or any of the Pendragon men who have come before him.

He and Vivian Lloyd make it to second base, his hands on her boobs, her hands on his thighs. And he _hates_ it- every damn minute that his dick doesn’t react, every minute where he tries to force his body into something it doesn’t like.

-

Arthur has spent his entire life trying to be the good son, the good kid who follows all the rules that his parents set down. Be a Real Man, a strong man, the leader and alpha and all-around strong one.

Being gentle isn’t something that his dad encourages. Arthur has to be the toughest athlete, the best student, the most ambitious leader.

When Arthur plays lacrosse, rising to the captain of the varsity team by junior year, his dad scorns him for not playing football or wrestling. He gets a girlfriend, tries to play it straight, and his dad scolds him when they break up, says Arthur wasn't man enough to keep Vivian. Nothing Arthur does seems to satisfy his dad, who just demands more power, more strength, more  _everything._

Arthur sometimes wonders if there's anything at all that will please his dad.

-

Arthur doesn't break. He can't break. There are other things to think of- his future, his parents, his job.

(Sometimes Arthur’s life feels like World War I. There are no spectacular victories, no crushing defeats- it’s a war without movement, without change- he just keeps slogging through the trenches, dying with every moment.

Arthur can’t breathe. There is a weight on his chest, like a gas clogging his lungs. He is suffocating under the pressure of forcing down everything he wants to be. There are screams trapped in his throat, but he can't move ‘cause he's stuck here in the mud, gangrene eating away at his feet as he struggles to find any way out-)

-

Arthur leaves for college and tries kissing girls, kissing guys, doing anything he possibly can to elicit a reaction from himself. The results of this experiment are depressing: kissing girls and trying anything more does nothing, and though kissing boys is pleasant, nothing ever elicits a reaction from his dick. Arthur expected it, but that doesn't mean he isn't disappointed.

Discovering asexuality is a trip. It's utterly shocking to discover the word one day on a random flier about the LGBT+ community on campus. Arthur actually halts on his way into the cafeteria and stares at the bulletin board. The word sounds so right and so wrong at the same time, so unnatural and yet so fitting.

Through some Google searches and stumbling talks with the Lambda Alliance on campus, Arthur comes to understand and identify himself as ' _asexual homoromantic_ , _'_ which is the strangest yet most apt phrase Arthur has ever found to label himself with. It's kind of amazing- there is an actual word for how he feels, a term for people like him. How he feels- or how he _doesn’t_ feel, more accurately- isn’t wrong.

For the first time in his life, he considers the fact that his father may be wrong. Arthur can like boys, can  _not_ like girls, and it doesn't _automatically_ make him an abomination. It may just make him human.

-

After he graduates with a double major in Criminal Justice and Business, Arthur gets a job at the Richmond City detective department.

Arthur then gets partnered with Morgana Le Fay his first year of being on the force. Her old partner transferred divisions right before he joins, and she is assigned to him. She doesn't seem to mind the fact that he's such a newbie- he has a drive to learn and prove himself, and she isn't easy on him but Arthur thinks she respects him, at least a little.

Morgana is a definite change from the women Arthur grew up with. She is not submissive in any way, has no fear of manhandling suspects when they get unwieldy. She has a sharp wit, the most accurate shot in the precinct, and a love for fashion. She is a wonderful mess of contradictions, and everything his father would hate to see in a woman.

Morgana Le Fay is one of the most amazing, fucked up people that Arthur has ever met. Every inch of her is dangerous yet beautiful, a loaded gun barrel hidden behind an array of gorgeous dresses.

And Arthur loves her.

-

So he hates the fact that sometimes, when Morgana arrives at the precinct, there are dark circles under her eyes and dark bruises on her arms. She is one of the strongest people he knows, both physically and emotionally. She doesn’t deserve to be haunted by monsters.

Her monster has a name: “Cenred,” one syllable, no last name ever mentioned. She says she loves him, but sometimes her grip on her purse strap tightens when she says his name. Sometimes, when she’s in the firing range, her fingers grip the trigger a bit too tight when his name is mentioned.

(Arthur says he loves his father. Does that make Uther any less of a monster?)

-

On the days when Arthur has nightmares, his hands shake around the barrel of his gun. It feels heavy in his hands, like one of those unwieldy WWI machine guns that tore as much into its wielder as into its enemies.

He is stuck at the bottom of a trench, unable to move, the walls caving in on his shaking shoulders-

-

Arthur doesn’t date in the first couple of years they are partnered together, nor does he really try to find anyone. He doesn't really have a desire to, when he sees what kind of damage a relationship can do sitting across from his desk everyday.

He has no strong desire to date at the moment, and seeing that kind of damage- that definitely turns him off even further.

-

He gets a call from Morgana one night. He expects just a normal call about changing the date of their weekly bar night, but when she answers her voice is stiff.

“I shot him,” she says, and his grip tightens on his phone. “The ambulance is here, but so are the police. He’s gonna get locked up for a very long time.”

“Do you need to talk about it?” Arthur offers, using the same gentle voice he uses with witnesses.

Her voice is hoarse. “I don’t know. Ask me again in the morning.”

One last offer: “I’ll come over if you need it.”

“No, I’m good,” Morgana says, “I swear.”

"Okay," Arthur says, because they have never had a friendship of platitudes and deep confessions. If she says she's okay, he'll respect that. He's pretty sure he trusts her to tell him when things are getting too bad. She knows herself better than he ever could.

-

Morgana gets to the precinct the next day and it’s like nothing has changed. There are still dark circles under her eyes, still flint in her gaze, still steel in her words.

Morgana Le Fay is a woman of sharp edges and flint eyes, calloused fingers and scarred wrists. (She is not gentle, not soft. She is not the ideal woman his father said he should want.)

Arthur asks her just once that day, when they’re standing by the coffee machine for their afternoon decaf (they both have a strange preference for decaf coffee- neither one of them particularly like caffeine, but the taste of coffee is somehow appealing): “You okay?”

Morgana blinks, staring at him for a moment. Her lips purse. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“I’m here for you, if you want to talk,” Arthur says.

There’s a beat of silence, but then: “Thank you,” she says, voice quiet, and he nods as the coffee machine blinks, signalling their pot.

“No problem, ‘Gana,” he says.

And that’s that.

-

Arthur’s first kiss with Merlin Emrys is honestly nothing special. Lips against lips, skin against skin- it's not fireworks or rain, just a pleasant enough kiss.

The second, third, and fourth kisses also proceed mostly in the same vein- enjoyable enough, but nothing special.

Arthur likes hanging out with Merlin, though, going on dates and hanging out and singing karaoke. Merlin, a history teacher and dance coach, has a bright personality, dry wit, and a passion for what he does. He's a rather attractive man in a number of ways, and there is just something about him that makes Arthur feel comfortable in being himself around him.

Their relationship blossoms, moving from just friends who occasionally meet up at the bar and into an actually serious relationship with dates without their friends.

-

Merlin shows up at the precinct on one of Arthur's late nights and Arthur's heart freezes in his throat.

 _Real men don't date boys_ , his father's voice says. _The precinct is the last place a man should ever bring his boytoy to._

 _You can't be here,_ Arthur nearly thinks, nearly launches himself out of his chair to push Merlin out of the precinct and out of his life, _They can't think- you're not my-_

And then Merlin smiles as he greets Morgana, uses soft words and a softer smile to talk to a woman who turned herself into a blade after being abused by a horrible monster of a man, and Arthur's heart lurches in his chest.

-

That night, he kisses Merlin and it feels right. Something tugs in his heart, and maybe it’s not fireworks, but it is something greater than anything he’s ever felt before. (If he was a romantic, he might call it love.) For now, though- he’ll take it and run with it.

“You are an amazing man,” Arthur says, feeling the truth of his words in his chest, and Merlin grins.

“So are you, Mr. Detective,” Merlin says, voice sweet and smile sweeter, and Arthur just has to lean in for a second kiss.

-

Merlin's eyes are the cleanest blue Arthur has ever seen, bright and gorgeous and kind. They remind Arthur of a sky, of the ability to fly without falling.

There is nothing polluted about Merlin.

-

Merlin is definitely a man- he is physically very strong, years of dance having toned his body into peak physical condition. He is not feminine, not delicate in anyway- and yet he is nothing like the “real Man” Arthur’s father always praised. He is not aggressive, not dominant, not sexually active. His favorite things in the world are history and dance, neither of which are the most "masculine" pursuits. Uther Pendragon would view Merlin as deviant, as an aberration on the male race.

And yet- Merlin is one of the best men Arthur has ever met.

-

Merlin takes Arthur dancing and it’s one of the best nights of his life.

“Let me show you how to move,” Merlin says at the beginning of the first dance, and Arthur would have expected any other man to use a smug tone to accompany such words, but all instead all Arthur gets is a careful hand at his waist, a gentle guide through the more modern movements. Arthur's breath catches at the soft pressure of Merlin’s hand against such a vulnerable spot on the body. A couple of years ago, Arthur never would have dreamed of allowing any man to get so close to him.

But now, Merlin looks at him, eyes sharp, and Arthur nearly shivers as he takes Merlin's free hand in his own and they slide easily into the first movement of the dance. They are pressed so close that Arthur can feel Merlin’s body heat through their shirts, feel Merlin's breath against his cheek and neck, but he does not much mind. Merlin's expertise in dancing makes Arthur feel like he's slipped straight into a movie, where love transcends any other problems one might have.

And damn, Arthur loves Merlin. Merlin is such a fucking wonderful person, beautiful in so many ways, from his kind smile to gentle, sometimes sardonic words to his dance-toned limbs. It's so hard not to fall in love with this foolish, wonderful man.

Arthur still hates himself, but he finds himself loving Merlin more than he hates himself. And for now, that's all he needs.

-

Arthur has known his entire life what it’s like to hurt because you’re holding a secret to your chest, clutching it so close that it burns a hole in your heart, sears scars across your soul.

Merlin makes him feel like he doesn’t have to hold the secret so close. Around Merlin and their friends, kisses don't feel like weights strapped around his neck. Instead, they feel like books always told them they would- light and freeing, like a cloud instead of a dead weight.

Arthur finds himself utterly in love with this beautiful man.

-

Arthur still has his hang ups, his hesitations, his unaddressed issues. The first night he sleeps with Merlin, he’s not entirely sure how to do it. How does one man cuddle another? 

He’s never been the little spoon. Real Men aren’t the little spoon. Instead, the first time he and Merlin fall asleep together, Arthur is firmly the big spoon, curling up with Merlin on the sofa in a hopefully not-too-awkward way.

In only takes a few more accidental cuddle sessions, though, for Arthur realize that he does love to cuddle with Merlin, whether that be on the sofa or in bed. Over the next few months, Arthur learns the best ways to cuddle with Merlin, the most comfortable ways to sleep with his boyfriends.

Arthur thinks he's getting better. He’s learning how to be himself around Merlin, how to let himself be vulnerable without thinking himself weak.

Arthur spends his nights cuddling with Merlin, dancing at the Karaoke Club, working late, or hanging out with their friends. It’s all he could have ever hoped for in his adult life.

(And it's nothing that his father would approve of, if he knew. Arthur doesn't know if that's a good or a bad thing.)

-

Merlin moves in with Arthur after a year of dating. His and his best friend Gwen’s lease was about to expire, and Arthur had offered up his apartment. It’s a bit small- just one bedroom, a living room, bathroom, kitchen, and linen closet laundry room- but it’s home.

(And Merlin’s smile when Arthur suggests it is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.)

Move in day is an adventure. Gwen and Morgana both join in, as does Merlin’s little sister Freya and Gwen’s current girlfriend Elena. It’s kinda (and by kinda, Arthur means _really_ ) nice to have a day where everyone- including Morgana- is smiling.

That night, Arthur falls back onto their shared bed with an exhausted grin. They have spent the entire day unpacking and moving and socializing with all the women who have made their way into the apartment, and it's nice to finally collapse into bed.

Merlin flops down onto the bed next to Arthur. “First night in the new place,” he says, grinning at Arthur.

“Not that new to me,” Arthur says, because despite all the changes, his place is still his own. It just has touches of Merlin now, like every other aspect of his life has gathered.

“Even with all the new furniture?”

"Even then," Arthur says, and reaches out a hand to touch Merlin's cheek. Merlin gives Arthur the fondest, sappiest of smiles.

When the next words leave Arthur's words, they're not a lie: “I love you,” Arthur says.

Merlin’s smile is easy. “I love you too, honey.”

-

Arthur looks into the mirror and finally doesn't see pollution in his own eyes. His eyes aren't clean, aren't bright- they're closer to the color of the ocean floor than anything else, something natural and sometimes in the way but in the end something deep and powerful and life-sustaining.

When Arthur smiles, he has hope.

Maybe he won’t get into Heaven. Maybe there is something sinful in his heart. But he doesn’t think that he’s unnatural.

After all, things can grow in his eyes. He can grow as a person, become something Good.

-

And then Arthur steps into a bathroom and everything goes wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> I may or may not write a sequel to this. I have a novel planned around a similiar concept, but when/if it'll get finished is anyone's guess. Please comment/kudos if you liked it- comments are a writer's lifeblood, after all!


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